June 8, 2011
So I guess let me just relay what has been going on mentally for the past few weeks. It will help explain a bit of the disappearing act.
It’s been a rough few weeks. We had heard that training is the worst part of service. And so far, it has lived up to that reputation. Though, unfortunately, I had to endure a bit more bullshit than others. I cannot write about it, because it is still under investigation, but let’s just say that I endured hardships that I should not have been expected to endure. PST is hard enough, and I definitely went through even more unnecessary emotional/mental agony than was needed (did I emphasize the unnecessariness of it enough?). I’ll just say that, I am glad I have my group of trainees/volunteers with me. They have my back, unlike some. They are the ones I will depend on to help me through things, unlike some. They are the ones that are going to listen and talk to me, unlike some. So thank you to them, because of them, I am still here. Some people, I wouldn’t trust them to help me any further than my pinky can push them. I would like to have as little contact with some as possible. It had gotten so bad that I wanted to go home. And it never should have reached that point. And it wasn’t that I wanted to go home because I don’t like it here in Botswana. And it wasn’t that I wanted to go home because I didn’t want to do the job that I came here to do. And it wasn’t because my resolve to try to do something is world has disappeared. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to help anymore. It was honestly because of all the unnecessary behaviors I had to endure put onto me by others and their lack of support when it was clearly needed. I’ll let all of you try to guess who I am talking about. Since I am not directly stating it, let’s see if I’m going to get called out and sent home for this.
Anyways, I am finally sworn in. I AM DONE WITH PST. And I am officially a VOLUNTEER. THANK FUCKING GOD. If I were to get removed from this country (god forbid), and asked to do another PST in another country, I wouldn’t do. I would quit Peace Corps without any regret. I would immediately go home. You could never get me to go through another PST again. It is not worth the hell that it felt like I went through. Though at the same time, I know that it sparked something in me that I haven’t felt or had in a long time. It in a way it gave me clarity, may it be to help me realize that I am here for a reason, and it has nothing to do with Peace Corps or its staff, and nothing to do with PST, but that I came here for the reason to help people. So all in all, with or without Peace Corps Botswana organization’s help, I plan on doing the job I came here to do, and nothing but my own resolve is going to be a deciding factor. Though the minute I feel like this is not what I want to be doing anymore or that I am wasting my time, I will not hesitate to come home. Because now, at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I owe Peace Corps Botswana anything and everything I do here will be based on what I think of the situation and not what Peace Corps Botswana expects of me. I think before I started PST I had an idea of “oh wow, ya…I’m doing Peace Corps…I’m going to be a part of Peace Corps, while helping people,” and now it’s “I’m here to help people, and could really care less that I am a part of Peace
Corps.” (haha, watch me get admin separated…or basically fired for sullying their grandeous name that they have built for themselves)
So as you can see, I haven’t been writing because I haven’t exactly been the happiest person. I haven’t had very many good things to say. And I really hadn’t encountered anything new or interesting to talk about. The processing of the whole situation has been exhausting, and I just had no more energy to even write about it. So, I will remain vague to mitigate the amount of trouble that I am already in, but try to remain fair to everyone who wants to know what is going on in my life. Because at the end of the day, this is a blog about my life, and this has been my life and my thoughts, so I shouldn’t have to feel censored about describing what is going on in my life or being censored about my thoughts…cuz after all, we are Americans, right? I may LOOK Chinese, but I am NOT Chinese, so I would like to be treated like a citizen of the USA and have my freedom of speech without fear of being censored. Because the world isn’t always rainbows and bunnies…sometimes this world is going to be shitty. And I don’t paint a one sided picture…because that is unfair to everyone.
June 9, 2011
First full day in Bobonong, and I made a new friend in Bobonong, his name is Zhu. I apparently needed to come to Botswana to get in touch with my Chinese side. Lol. He invited us (me and the other volunteers) to come over with his family to make…DUMPLINGS!!! BEST DUMPLINGS EVER. FRESH DUMPLINGS. Well, ok, besides Shanghai, but they are from outside Shanghai, so close enough! It was a lot of fun. He owns a China shop in town, he’s 22 years old. It was a fun, relaxing, delicious night. We made pork and vegetable dumplings. It was funny, because the two other volunteers had the best Chinese food they’ve had…in Botswana. Zhu’s family (sister and friends) were super nice and welcoming.
June 10, 2011
Tonight, I stepped outside. It is so quiet here in Botswana, you can hear the planes fly over. As they fly across the sky, you can hear them go. Mixed in with the stars. I never knew the world could be so quiet and seem so still.
June 16, 2011
The week is going. Which is more than I can say about any other week that I’ve been here in Botswana. It’s a GOOD thing. My house is finally coming along (though I am still at another volunteer’s house). They finally put the bath tub and the toilet in. The burglar bars are up. I had to take Zhu with me to explain everything that I needed…uh…ya, cuz he’s a Chinese kid that speaks fluent Setswana. Wtf, right? So I now also have a bed, a dresser, a stove, and a fridge, but no gas or water. So I still can’t REALLY live there. Well, ok, fine I can…but that would mean I would be cooking over a fire, and I have NO idea how to cook over a fire…cook over a fire to make…grilled cheeses?! Ya…right. Anyways, I’ve been going over there every day this week to check on the progress. So I’ve been pretty happy with what I see. Things are moving at least.
Speaking of moving, I am constantly moving. I think I’ve walked about 25 miles this week…or that’s what it feels like. So basically where I am staying now is about 2 miles away from the clinic that I work at. But on Monday, I walked to the DHT with the volunteer I am staying with, which is about 2 miles away from her house too. I waited for her counterpart to get there, but she never showed, so I decided to make a stride to my clinic. From DHT to my clinic that is another 2 miles. I counted pills that day and just watched people do their jobs. It was my first real day there, so it was interesting to see how the place ran. Oh, and there really is no patient confidentiality really, cuz almost anyone can come in at a time when the nurse is there. And that includes me in the corner counting pills. Good thing I don’t understand a word they are saying. Haha. anyways, so just observed for my first day. Headed back into town…that’s another mile. Shit that’s 5 miles already, and it’s only half way through the day. My counterpart calls me to tell me my furniture has arrived and I need to tell the men where to put it. So I catch a ride back to my house with them. i get my stove, fridge, dresser, and bed. Half the burglar bars are up. That’s a surprise. Cool. But I can’t find the keys to my house. Shit, my new stuff is gonna get stolen. Get driven back into town. I’m freaking out, cuz I’m not really sure what to do about the fact htat I can’t lock my house. And I have no idea where the keys are. Then Zhu wants to see how my house is coming along, so he drives me BACK to my house. Checks it out. Approves. So grateful he was there, he found my landlord and asks for my keys. YAY! Panic avoided. I lock my stuff up and have him drop me back off at my clinic. I am there for about 5 minutes, and I check out. I walk a mile back into town again. That’s 6 miles. Hang out with Kers, the person who took us on the game drive a couple weeks back. Then to the Home Based Care to say hello and check in on the volunteer I am staying with. Back to Kers. I ask her to help me find curtains for my house. She takes me to every China shop there is in Bobs, where eventually I just end up buying them at Zhu’s shop. Lol. but she’s awesome, we have a ton of fun just wandering around. Then I walk another 2 miles back to the place I am staying. 8 miles total. JUST BECAUSE I have to. Wth, man!
Tuesday, I wake up. Walk 2 miles to my clinic. Then we walk another 2 miles to the Mabumahibidu Primary School (I am STILL saying that syllable by syllable). We are there to register Standard 1 and Standard 7 for vaccines they will be getting this week. I think it was polio, DT, and TT. Kids seem to be scared of me. They aren’t quite sure what to make of me, or how to respond to me. Haha. it’s ok. Either they’ll get used to me, or I’ll just get used to the response. Anyways, we get all the names and birthdates filled in a notebook, and create school health cards for each student so when we give the vaccines later in the week, it is an easier process. And now, I walk another 2 miles back to the clinic. Dude, that’s 6 miles before noon. I get back, and a guy that works at my clinic that has been helping me with my house wants to go look at my house. 1 mile. Yay! They are putting in the bathtub and toilet and the plumbing! Also the curtain rods are going up. More progress! 1 mile back to the clinic…or his house. We stopped to pick…ya, papaya. Pretty cool stuff. Then walk another mile into town for lunch. WTF…9 miles today. That’s 17 miles in 2 days. UGH. Luckily, Zhu can tell I’m exhausted, so he drives me back to the place I am staying (he’s becoming a bit of a life saver…if you couldn’t tell).
Wednesday. I wake up. Walk 2 miles to my clinic. Today, I weighed 24 babies. Some cried. Some just stared. Some were pleasant and I didn’t have to tell them to do anything. So I observed the morning child section procedures. Which just weighs babies and marks their progress. Pretty interesting. In the books, you can also see whether a child and mother is HIV positive. Surprisingly, (though it really shouldn’t be) there are a lot of people that are HIV positive. I think I just need to get used to that idea here. After all the babies were done, I walked to my house from the clinic (1 mile). I get to my house, and the curtain rods are all up. The burglar bars are done. The toilet is done. The bathtub is half done. And the pipes for the plumbing are being dug. Hopeful thinking, maybe I can get in by this weekend? Sigh…one can only dream. Lol. I walk into the mall, cuz I’m starving and grab myself a cheese puff…which is just bread with cheese in it (2 miles). After lunch, I hang out at the clinic again to see what happens in the afternoon. Not much. I am seriously…just sitting there staring at people. Haha. oh well, it’s called observing, I guess. So, that is 6 miles today…wow I’m slacking. Total in 3 days: 23 miles.
Thursday. I wake up. Walk 2 miles to my clinic. Today…I get to go back to Mabumahibidu Primary School to actually give the vaccines. Ok, I didn’t actually give them. But I assembled them…meaning I put the needle on the syringe. Scary stuff, huh? Funny, we gave them to the first graders…and we only had 2 criers. 1 refused to take it off her sleeve and screamed when we gave her the shot…but that was like 2 kids of out over 50. THEN, we gave them to the seventh graders…and they were FREAKING out. They all started getting twitchy and scared. I guess, the difference may have been that the seventh graders knew what was going on and the first graders…well, I guess are just doing what they are told. I think about half of the seventh graders cried…and one even ran away. We had to track him down to give him his shot. I would have thought it was the other way around. Interesting….lol. They just give the kids the shots in the front of the classroom. We didn’t get a room. There is no nurse station. We get a chair, and a desk (if we’re lucky) and we just swab and stick em. The nurses don’t use gloves…they just stick em straight up. Crazy….at least it’s effiecient. Afterwards, I walk back to the mall…I’m over checking on my house. I knew nothing was going to be done by today, so I didn’t even bother. Anyways…I had promised Home Based Care today that I would try to help them with their paper jewelry…which is super pretty btw. I am apparently retarded when it comes to any crafts or being artistic. I can’t draw with a ruler, and I can BARELY cut. Lol. not much use to them, I guess, but I think they found it amusing how dysfunctional I am when it comes to dainty things. Lol. After about an hour, my thumb had gone numb, and (maybe it was cuz I had something in left eye all morning), but I had started to grow a bit lightheaded and nauseous, or maybe a lack of sleep…but I was NOT feeling well. So, my bff Zhu of course, drives me home. SLACKER…3 miles only today! Total in 4 days: 26 miles.
Friday. I wake up. Walk 2 miles to my clinic. I weigh more babies today. I don’t know how many. I’m getting a hang of it. Though one baby almost peed on me, luckily…he just hit the scale. Wetness averted! We were done by 10 AM, and we had gone through way more babies than Wednesday. Felt productive. I went off with the TB counselor to visit some patients that he sees at their homes because they are too sick to make it to clinic. A lot of the TB patients here are also HIV positive, so many are also on ARVs. The reason why there is so much TB going around in Botswana is because of HIV. So they kind of go hand in hand. I will try to get more information, but it has to do with the lowered immune system. The reason the TB counselor needs to do home visits is because TB patients need to be directly observed to make sure they are taking their meds daily. It is a very monitored disease, so meds cannot be skipped. Like ARVs, they need to be taken diligently and strictly. So some people are too sick to make it to the clinic, so in order to make sure they are directly observed taking their meds, they need to go to the patients’ houses. So that is why there are home visits for TB patients here in Botswana. We went to go visit a patient that is 3 months into her treatment (it lasts 6 months, but they may not be completely cured by the end, people can end treatments, but not be cured). The TB counselor introduced me to her, and told me that she was doing a lot better than when he first started visiting her. She was very polite and welcoming and she seemed to be much stronger than he had described her, so that was encouraging. It was a quite check up…I guess he said that he had visited her earlier in the day, so she had already taken her meds, and that he just wanted me to meet him. So, ke itumelele go go itse. It was nice to meet you.
And we were on our merry way, he wanted to show me a short cut back to the hospital. Along the way, I enjoyed the numerous comments about him being my husband…apparently, you can’t really walk around Botswana with another guy without people automatically assuming that you are with them in any way shape or form. Sigh. Oh well. It’s how life works out here. Get over it. Lol.
Then I just did laundry. So, 2 miles to work. 1 mile to TB patient. 2 miles back home. So…5 miles.
TOTAL MILES FOR THE WEEK: 31 MILES. Lol. ya, that was a walking week!
June 26, 2011
I weighed babies this week. I am still at the other volunteer’s place. I shoveled dirt and dry grass into trash pit for an afternoon. And I got peed on all down my leg by a baby. SWEET. The best part about the peeing incident was the whole time I was trying to put a sweater back on this kid (as he is WAILING), I was thinking to myself, please don’t pee on me, please don’t pee on me, please don’t pee on me. And LOW AND BEHOLD…the baby does exactly that…pees all over me. The nurses laugh and tell me this is how I am going to bound with the community. So I guess the way to the community’s heart is to let their kids pee on me? Lol. I think I’m good. Then they told me to stand in the sun…the pee will dry. By lunch…I am back at home bathing my legs and washing my pants. Oh the experiences you’ll have. He was lucky he was an adorable baby. Even if he wasn’t…well, haha, it’s ok. Kids pee, right?
Anyways, to the interesting part of my week. I went on home visits with a health educating nurse. She goes to visit patients to check up on them to see how they are doing. Doesn’t really perform any of the nurse/doctors duties, but more of just talking to people and educating them about certain health topics. Though, on that particular day, there wasn’t so many topics to cover. We visited a patient who had had a stroke. Talked to his mother about his status. Then we visited a 1 week old baby. CUTEST THING EVER. I love babies (as long as they are not mine)! The nurse told the mother that she needed to come in for her post natal appt at the end of July. Then we checked up on another lady and her baby to make sure she did go for her post natal appt. One of her kids was just running around the yard naked. It’s always so baffling to me to see kids running around naked. How free is it? Do they feel dirty? Or is it cleaner? Do they feel like they need to be more careful about what they are doing when naked? I honestly don’t remember the last time I was out standing outside naked and frolicking around. So it’s a completely foreign concept to me as to how that would feel. And not gonna lie, I was kinda jealous of the kid that he was able to get away with it. Then we checked up on a 90 year old man (who I’m pretty sure doesn’t actually remember the day he was born) who had broken a leg and a hip. I was kind of scared of this situation, because he was just curled up in bed under the covers. He was a bit emaciated, when we got in there I was kinda afraid that he might be dead. They have an appointment set up for him at the end of August to see an orthopedic surgeon. This man has some will to live, that’s all I can say. Next stop was a mentally disturbed older woman. Apparently, sometimes she doesn’t talk, or she’ll just laugh, or she’s just talk about nothing in relation to anything. Today, she talked about wanting to drink tea. So at least she was talking. The last stop was an old lady that was almost blind. She is living in a little one room hut, with one window and no electricity. Her floor was covered in dust, in fact everything was basically covered in dust. She had no one living with her or really assisting her. It made me really sad, but there’s not much you can do when people are set in their ways. She’s still surviving, though not as comfortably as I would like to be surviving, but who’s to say that my way is better? So the home visits were an eye opener, just encountering the different situations that are out there in Bobonong. It’s a different experience actually going into someone’s house and seeing how they live, than just walking on the paths and keeping your distance. I got to see how some people really live here in Botswana. I will request to do more home visits. It also helps me to get out into the community more, so it’s a win win situation.
Lastly, apparently, we are down 3 more volunteers in the span of a week. We are now at 33 volunteers. We have lost 7 volunteers/trainees in 3 months. The Bots 9 group has been here for a little over year and they have lost 8 volunteers, and we are at 7 in 3 months. Crazy. I hope we don’t keep that trend, otherwise there will be no more Bots 10ers in 15 months. But cheers to the ones who have left, may their life path take them somewhere that makes them happy!
June 27, 2011
Today was a day that the closet thing of what I had imagined my volunteering experience is in Africa to be. In other words, prior to Peace Corps. Lol. Before I had made the decision to join Peace Corps, I searched long and wide that would allow me to volunteer in Africa just building houses for a year. And don’t say Habitat for Humanity, because they only have week long programs and it would cost me both my arms and legs. So, I searched the web long and hard to find a program…and unfortunately, I could not find one that wouldn’t cost me $10,000 for a year. As much as I love the idea of helping and building houses, I don’t really have that kind of money to just toss around, and *cheers to the American way* it’s just not a smart move to make financially. Yes, I am selfish and care about money. I am not going to deny it, nor am I going to be ashamed about caring about money. Because without money, there is only so much you can go and do. And NO, love cannot conquer all. Fuck love. I can’t help others until I help myself, which I did diligently prior to getting here.
Anyways, today I helped shovel sand from the river bed…all day. We shoveled three truck beds full of sand from the river bed. This sand is going to help us create the concrete mix we’re going to need to make when we starting putting together the blocks for the house. We shoveled a truck bed, then shoveled it out at the person’s plot of land, then shoveled another truck bed, then shoveled it back out again, then shoveled another truck bed, and guess what? Then shoveled It back out again. Basically, we shoveled 6 truck beds full of sand. But I’m happy…cuz it’s all a part of the process of building a house! And for those of you who know me, know that I love building houses. it’s going to a take way longer of process than what I’m used to (which is a week), but I’m super excited about it. I am sore all over and exhausted, but I’m happy. So maybe there is hope in this world after all? I may actually be able to do what I dreamed to do? Please universe, give me this one wish? Make me believe that good things can still happen. Please make me believe that I don’t always have to settle.
WOW, sudden realization…all this brings me back to my freshman year of college. My friend Jordan told me that I should go into architecture, that he thought that I would be good at it. I, of course, didn’t believe him, because I have absolutely no artist ability. But I do love looking at buildings. But…I think what it comes down to…which is close enough…is that I just love BUILDING buildings. Maybe not so much designing buildings, but just the whole building process, but close enough. Building houses for people who need them is my passion. So cheers to you Jordan, once again, you have got me pegged. And I guess you always have.
Oh and sorry for being so antisocial. It is difficult to get to internet here, so it’s going to take me a while to post, but I will try to be a bit more diligent about it. I apologize. Hope all is well with you! Miss you guys, love you!
